I was her 1st love, the one she would turn to when she’s angry, happy, idle, indifferent or sad. I was her preferred way of venting her emotions. I was the way she knew to show her strength. I was there, always there! I made her all kinds of things, good things I mean; with me, she was happy, ‘on point’, brilliant, competent, fulfilled. The aura around us? Pristine! The connection between us? Perfect! Things just flowed naturally – it was effortless, it was by default!
Then the time came, she had to choose, she had to decide; I was excited but I didn’t show it. Others were vying for themselves or a different option but I didn’t bulge… it was time for our happy ever after to start, I didn’t even try to nudge her about it because I knew, she knew, we knew…it had to be US… me and her forever! or so I thought…
She began to take her time, always deep in thought like it was a difficult decision. We spent less and less time together and to make matters worse, I stumbled on her check list… my name wasn’t there, neither were the names of others whom I knew she somewhat liked. Is she okay? I wondered, something is definitely wrong somewhere, I thought. Maybe she’s going mad, she seems depressed anyway. But why can’t she turn to me for some respite like she used to? This would have been the perfect time for her to run into my arms if only she was normal, but she’s obviously not. This is bad! I thought as I watched helplessly. Yes, I was helpless, dumb, because in times like this, it’s her call; she has to make a choice all by herself. I have been there her entire life and if I had not done enough convincing in the past, I doubt that anything I did at this time would matter, so I just sat and watched, I watched till she derailed.
I was stunned, I could not even cry. Questions and more questions kept ravaging my soul: This one? How? They know nothing about each other. She couldn’t love him, she would die of boredom. She would be eternally sad. I was sure that it was just another one of her show-offs: that she could do anything she wanted and succeed with it, not that this isn’t true, but what is success without happiness and fulfilment? How did she plan to cope with the feeling of emptiness inside her for the rest of her life? How would she sleep well? If only I could help, but really, I couldn’t, I was not allowed to.
For years, we barely saw ourselves, our very few meetings – countable on the fingers of my hands – were formalized or out of obligation or when it involved a favour she had to do for someone. And then like magic, one day, ten years down the line, she came to me with a smile and a warm embrace. Of course, things were not the same, but if we keep this pace, we would be inseparable in no time, just like we used to be, I told myself. But she seemed confused and lost, she was back to that struggle that ensued when she had to make a choice initially. Why is she doing this to me? Isn’t it obvious that I’m the one for her? What more proof does she need? I’ve never seen her happier than when she’s with me and trust me, I would know because I was always there.
And then, two months after our happy reunion, she disappeared as suddenly as she had appeared, not from my sight but from our space. She put in so much effort this time to make it work with her new found love; she even faked happiness, who does that? And oh, did I mention that she picked differently this time? The former one “wasn’t her thing” in her own words. And alas, the new one was not one for whom she had any particular liking. I looked on and I knew that deep down, she wasn’t happy, she couldn’t be, the duo was… just… not it! It was painful, I was bitter and so was she; it didn’t take too much time for her frustration to start to show, she snapped at practically everyone, she was overly suspicious, restless, troubled and then, sleepless nights set in. I tried to whisper to her a couple of times, come to me, I would say, she would beam a beautiful smile like she knew I cared and she kept drifting. It was a lost course, I gave up… I had been hobby-zoned!
Then came the time when she was going to be 30 in six months and she started taking stock; of friends, of life, of accomplishments, of her pursuits, of her impact and influence, of her network, of everything. Was it something about coming of age? Because, this time, she was asking questions, reading books, articles, attitudes and anything that needed to be read, she did courses, attended trainings, reached out to mentors and became one herself; above all, she was listening, listening to God, listening to her heart!
She began to speak to me again, not in many words but we connected, just like our early days, she was not in a hurry and neither was I, not just because I had been burnt in the past, but because I knew it was the only way to make her realize that I have always been THE ONE. She didn’t need to feel pressurized or she would doubt herself again. Slowly but surely is the best way to describe our walk back to our love boulevard, she was in love with me again and fully engaged with each other, we kick-started the journey to our happy ever after.
She is a fulfilled woman now, finding fulfilment everyday, in everything and in every way, taking baby steps that would make her a giant someday soon. The sight of her alone, breeds smiles and inspiration to all around her, she smells of happiness. As she reads this, she throws her head back in laughter, and says, it is easier and more fulfilling to make a career of the things we love, they don’t have to be hobby-zoned while we rot away in struggle, frustration and penury. We can live every day, happy, fulfilled and smiling to the bank while inspiring confidence in those around us. The world would be a better place if we don’t spend our whole lives struggling to fit into the already crowded career fields instead of creating ours from our natural inclinations, environment, experiences, challenges, irritations and even our fears.
Are you bored, bemused or broke? Think of something you’ve hobby-zoned and go make some cash!
By OBBIE Luya
Image source: Google image
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