“I can’t believe this! What more am I supposed to do to convince her of my love? She says I am honest, kind, loving, and all that garbage, yet she is not sure I am the one for her. What more does she want?” My good friend Benjamin asked. His frustration and desperation were palpable. I wanted to be of help to my dear friend, but I had to be truthful to him too. Carefully, I sought for a means to help him take a look at things through a different pair of binoculars. “You asked what more you need to do to convince her of your love?” I asked him carefully. “Yes Victor, What more?” He replied with rage. One would have thought I was Glory, who had been proving hard to get despite Benjamin’s intense love towards her. “It is not a matter of whether you love her or not, Ben,” I replied. “She already knows that. It is more about whether she loves you or not.” Stunned, he gaped at me as though I had just fallen off the sky. Obviously he had not thought of that. He had been under the impression that if he pushed hard enough, expressing his intense love and desire towards her, she’d eventually fall for him. The opposite was the case, and that had left him thoroughly sapped and emotionally devastated. I often hear men ask the same question, “What do women really want?” Not that I have figured it all out, and quite frankly it varies from one lady to another, as well as one scenario to another. Nonetheless, when it comes to the art of wooing a lady, some key ingredients cannot be left out of the process if success and happiness are to be achieved.
“Ben, I think she does not feel as much for you as you do for her. She is not crazy about you. She knows something is missing. She does not feel the butterflies running amok in her stomach when she sees you. Being nice, honest, kind and all that are certainly important, but a woman wants to go gaga for you, nonetheless. She wants to feel her heart quake like an erupting volcano when she is around you. She wants to know that she loves you deeply, that she could probably gasp for air without you in her life. That may sound hard, but until she feels that way, she is unlikely to consider the other qualities about you. Let’s face it my friend, people do crazy things for those they love, even though sometimes observers may look on and wonder why we do those stupid things for someone they consider seeming unworthy of our actions. It is because we love them madly, even though they may be apparently COMMMON in the eyes of others (not possessing some qualities most of us would desire in a mate). Until she is insanely in love with you, nothing you do matters to her really.” “But I am trying my best!!! I can’t force her to love me!!!” He was yelling his lungs out. “Calm down Ben. How have you gone about trying to win her love? I have been around you two for a while, and I can tell a few things myself. You have literally thrown yourself at her and expect her to do the same, haven’t you?” He stared at the ground like a child caught in the act by a reprimanding parent.
“It was not long after the two of you met that you began to literally breathe down her neck to be your girlfriend. You buy her gifts and take her out on exotic dates, yet nothing has changed. You talk about the future as though you can see how your life meshes with hers in the coming months, without wondering if she too has come to that conclusion. You call her a lot on the phone as though you’d die if you didn’t. That is okay, but too much of it is not good at all, especially when she has not fully committed to the idea of the two of you being together. You are more like a pest now than a lover. She is tolerating you instead of enjoying being around you. She is conflicted…she knows you have great personal qualities, so she wonders if she should really let go of you, and at the same time she knows she wants to be madly in love with you, and she is not. At least not yet. Charm and Charisma my friend. Charm and Charisma are the ingredients that you have failed to throw into the pot since you have been attempted to cook up some love for Glory. If you have to stand any chance of arousing love and desire in her heart, you must reroute your approach.”
“Charm and Charisma?” He asked, as though he had never heard those words before. I nodded affirmatively to him and went on to dissect the two words as I will do below in this write-up. It is no longer news that we all like the mystic. We like the idea of not being ordinary (common). It then makes sense that we desire the same in our mates, except that when we fall in love with someone, we forget some of the rules of the game. Girls often try to play hard to get. They don’t want to be considered ordinary, so they make us work a bit for their love and attention. And most men like it because they crave the mystic too (and there is nothing wrong with that). They come to cherish her when they finally win her over. They like to take time to peel the different layers around her away, as they come to know each other. It is part of the thrill of love and relationship. The same applies to men; women like the idea of sophistication and an element of mystery about their men. They want to see how much he can handle during the chasing game. Is he going to fall flat on his face and cave in under pressure if she does not say yes right away? Mind you women like security, and your ability to weave a level of mystery around yourself as a man contributes to that sense of security. To that end I recommend the following;
Don’t ask her to be your girlfriend too quickly: This is very difficult for most men to handle. You know when you meet that elegant girl and something clicks between the two of you. The chemistry is there, you can tell. Then you ask her out on a date and keep it simple and friendly, for the time being. If the date goes well, with each passing minute you want to tell her you love her and ask her to be your girlfriend. Sadly, most men meet their waterloo in the form of a capital “No” or “I am not sure” if they let impulse rule their head at this stage. Try to get to know her first. Both of you know something is brewing, and that makes you want to go straight to the matter. No!!!! Don’t do it yet – grind it out for a while. Buy her gifts (simple stuff at this stage) if you can and don’t call like a lonely guy whose life is drab and uninteresting. Give her the impression that your life is fun and exciting. Spend time with your friends too, and make her realize you have other friends (there is more to your life and social circle). Don’t be in a hurry to introduce her to your friends and family. It may scare her off if she is not sure yet. Bid your time. The idea is to drag both of you to a point where you are both dying to say – “I love you. I want you. I need you in my life.” Asking her too soon drastically narrows the chances of hearing those expressions. It might even mean the end of the relationship before it starts.
Don’t tell her the entire story of your life and family too soon: Some guys have the need to impress girls by talking about themselves. “I did this. I have this. I have that. I am this or that.” Those can only devalue your worth because a brilliant girl knows they can only spring from a well of inadequacy. When you have to sing your own praises and verbally brandish your material accomplishments, even the blind can tell that you have very little to offer intellectually and socially. If you can engage a girl and capture her whole imagination and attention, you have no need to talk about yourself, because you can discuss many other spheres of life and society than yourself. By the way, how would you feel if a girl said things line; “I own this; I have this; I won that?” Charm her with your intellect and not your personal glories. It may even tell her that you are self-absorbed, and she may be right too. If you must show off, then show off your intellect and not your achievements and acquisitions. Yes, we know some girls are crazy about money and all that go with it, but the fact that she is with you for what you have does not mean that she loves and adores you deeply. If you ask me, I’d rather be loved and adored beyond measure from deep within by my wife (no matter what I have or do not have), than to be managed, endured and tolerated for what I have.
Make her laugh: Most men fail to appreciate how simply making a girl laugh would harness their chances of hitting it off with her. The truth is, almost every girl would tell you the same thing. They are captivated by your ability to make them laugh. Research has proven this too. It brings her closer to you emotionally. It builds some kind of connection between you two when she laughs with you. It makes her relaxed around you; makes her trust you more and feel at home in your presence. Often, after a guy has taken time to woo a girl, most girls have melted into the guy’s hands in a spell of laughter leading to those magical words; “You know I really love you. I feel at home with you.” Job done!
Take an interest in little details: Color blindness is a genetic ailment that troubles men, and is rarely found inn women. So, when you observe every girl, you are likely to see her color shine through. Men dress in what fits, but women go further than that; they match colors more passionately. In fact, just about every girl has a favorite color, which is boldly reflected in her dressing. Find out little things like her favorite color and let that shine through when and if you do buy her gifts. Find out her interests, he worries, her aspirations and fears. That way, you know how to impress her, excite her, how not to scare her away, and how to support her. If you pay attention to these subtle details rather than preach your own biography all the time, she will certainly find you charming, and that is more likely to harness your chances with her. She feels assured that you have her interest at heart when she knows that you notice little details in her life.
Don’t be childish: Some guys are too preemptive. Once a girl smiles at them, they assume she is in love with them. They cannot distinguish between courtesy and love. They begin to try to dominate her life. They want to tell her what to do, how to do it, when to do it, who to be friends with, and so on. They may even go as far as looking through her phone perhaps at a date in a restaurant. They want to see who else she is talking to. Seriously, that fit give you high blood pressure –it is not worth it. If you don’t trust her, why bother? Most times, it is more that the guy does not trust himself, so he measures her by the same parameters he would measure himself, because of his own track record. Further, what makes you think you can change her? Try changing yourself and see how difficult that can be, how much more someone else. The moment you begin to throw child-like tantrums, you are relegating yourself to a pool of classless, petty, controlling, and drab guys she does not want to associate with. Before you know it, she will go from “I am thinking about it” to “This is not for me. Bye and all the best!!!”
Be brave: Even when you have done everything right to the letter, she fit still do small shakara add. This is only a test, don’t fail it. Your charismatic nature is reflected in the way you handle adversity. Don’t be negative when she is doing shakara. Don’t throw in the towel easily and walk away. Don’t capitulate; persist like a man with a smile on your face and the determination of a warrior at war. If you begin to argue and complain about how she is treating you when she is doing shakara, it makes you look immature and not up to the challenge. Tough it out! Ride out the challenge. Do it with self-assurance and an unflappable demeanor – that is charisma and girls find it attractive!
Even when you have observed all the rules in the book, things may still not work out, but that is life. It may work out the next time, so carry on. In my friend’s case, it did. She fell massively in love with him, and they are happily married today. At the end of the day, simply be yourself – don’t fake it. However, if you find out that some aspects of your style, behavior and/or approach are rusty; brush up on those with some of the tips in this write-up. Life is about growing up and finding yourself. That may take some work. Never give up on yourself, we can all grow and shine with little work and effort here and there. Learn how to exude charm and charisma, and you are likely to do yourself a world of good in the dating and marriage arena. Love is a beautiful thing!!!
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