It’s Women’s Club Wednesday!
Today we will be talking about getting reconciled back to yourself after experiencing relationship challenges.
A woman wrote to me in the mail, asking me this question: How can a woman get back to living life properly after facing relationship issues?
I don’t know if she is still in the relationship or if there have been a separation but I know she or someone she knows feels a need to live a normal life after the unpleasant experience of what she termed ‘relationship issues’
Many problems women face, many heartaches and worries they battle with, are, in one way or the other, related to romantic relationships. While this may tempt one to say that the problem is with the men, I beg to differ. The real problem is how the women deal with these challenges. The poor dealing techniques is what usually leads to the crippling dissatisfaction many women go about with.
I am not absolving the men from their part in the whole thing, but I’m talking to the ladies, so it is about you, the Ladies.
Those in relationships share a lot, including time which is the most important asset. This time spent together leads to creation of memories which would have been great if things were rosy, but are a pain now when things are broken. The time spent together also welds the lovers in such a way that it seems as if they are being torn apart when a separation occurs in the heart or physically.
If you feel this way, below are things you can do which will, over time, get you back to yourself.
This is the first step to take if you want healing. You need to know what you are really dealing with. Many women are living in denial even when the truth is glaring. You may see that your man is a serial cheater, or you see that he is abusive or you know that he is not just into you, but you keep giving excuses and feigning the presence of peace. You act as if all is well and you refuse to face facts. Another way some women ignore the truth is after a breakup. They keep convincing themselves that they would get back together and so they delay their healing.
If he doesn’t treat you right; if he abuses you and sleeps around, all is not well. Accept it. If he says it is over, it is over. Accept it. Face the reality of things. Only when you face reality can you take the next step.
Strength is not the absence of tears. Cry if you have to. Scream if you need to, let out the steam and don’t keep it in. Tears wash away pain and many times, they clear the eyes and help with a clearer vision. Something tragic has happened and a reaction is natural, if you don’t grieve, it eats you up or worse, it makes you bitter. If you want to go back to being you, if you want to reconcile with yourself, stay away from bitterness. It is deadly.
A truly strong woman is she who has cried and seen pain at its core and yet managed to retain her humanness by letting out the pain and sadness before she gets overwhelmed with the negativity.
So, grieve and while you grieve decide to take the next crucial step.
Forgive. Forgive God, forgive the man, forgive yourself.
Forgive God for allowing the pain happen. Forgive Him for not shielding you from what He knew would cause you such heartache. Forgive the man for not seeing your worth. Forgive him for taking you for granted. Forgive him for making you wish you never met him. Forgive yourself for not following your intuition. Forgive yourself for allowing yourself to be taken for granted. Forgive yourself for not praying hard enough.
In forgiveness is where you truly start reconciling with yourself.
If you are physically ill, you go to the doctor, you take the medication prescribed, you pray, you actively work towards getting well. Emotional illness should not be different. Work deliberately on getting well again. This is where you need to be drastic. You need to take strong decisions for yourself and your well-being. Block who needs to be blocked, unfriendly who needs to be unfriended, delete numbers which trigger unwanted emotions. If the number is memorized, induce amnesia; forget it.
Remove anything which stands against your healing.
Do everything which supports your healing. Just be sure it won’t come back to haunt you in the future.
Pray. Travel. Take yourself out. Pamper yourself. Lock yourself in the house and have a movie night alone. Eat the bowl of ice-cream (and hit the gym the next day), visit the spa, spend time with yourself, go to church, reconcile with God. Let Him know how it hurts, then allow Him love you like no man can.
All these are to be done consciously because the natural tendency will be for you to wallow in self pity which is useless and tiring. Get up and work on your healing. Get rid of hindrances to your needed healing and go for those things which support your healing.
You are healed when you love yourself again. You are healed when you can laugh fully and truly. You are healed when you don’t remember the experience with pain anymore. Pity maybe, indifference maybe, but no pain with the memories.
The aim is to do away with the pain.
Give Yourself Time.
Time is life. Time is growth. In time is where everything happens. Give yourself time.
You will laugh again. You will love again. You will dance again. You will be free.
You will live normal again.
While you take the above steps, you need to realize that it will take time and deliberate moves to get well and reconciled with yourself again. Don’t rush it. Don’t think you are doomed for sadness or pain. You will be fine, but in will take a process and processes happen with time.
The above steps are from personal experiences. They may not be all encompassing of the needs for a healed heart, but they are crucial. Dear Woman, face the reality, grieve, forgive, get treatment and give yourself time, you will be fine.
To the woman who sent the question, I hope I answered your question. If not, please send me another message and I’ll answer you individually.
Dear Woman, need to talk? Send a message to [email protected], using WCW as the subject.