It is a natural human reaction; your boyfriend/girlfriend that you love so much decides to end the relationship and you go on a mission to win them over. You beg them not to leave you. You grovel, plead and make your case. You wish he/she realizes how much you love them and deeply care about them. You cry yourself silly, skip meals, lose weight and go for nights without sleep. Love – it is such a beautiful thing when it works, but when the wheels go off, the pains are like red-hot knife gorging your heart out. To stave off such pain many of us take all sorts of measures to safeguard or to restore a failing relationship. At face value, there is nothing wrong with begging a mate not to leave you, but it must be said that more often than not, it produces the very opposite result to what we truly want.
Whilst this is the case with both guys and girls, it is more common amongst girls. Women are nurturers. They stitch up the holes in relationships. Like an artist at work, they nurture and nurse their relationships with panache, which is why they are ‘mothers’. Sadly, when their relationships – their works of art is on the verge of crumbling, they are far likely to press, plead, push, beg and grovel as they try to stitch their relationship back into shape. The painful truth is that when we beg a boyfriend or a girlfriend not to leave us, it makes them more powerful than they really are. It reinforces their notion that they are more important than you are. Rather than draw them back into your arms, it drives them further away from you. In quite a lot of cases, the person walking away from someone who loves them very much is doing so because they are attracted by the greener grass next door – another girl of guy who is more enchanting and fun to them; for the time being. So, to beg them to stay with you devalues your worth and makes the other person more attractive. It says you are not fun, not as exciting, not worthy of their time and effort.
In case you have not noticed, most people are attracted to the ‘mystic’ – that is why most guys (and some girls) enjoy the chase. When a girl appears bland and plain, some if not most guys consider her unsophisticated (sadly, I must note), and stay on the chase for that which is more difficult to come by. That is why when a girl or guy begs their lover to remain in their lives, they are making the opposite statement without knowing it – I am not sophisticated! That takes the shine off the ‘beggar’ and masks his or her true qualities. All the other person sees is a begging person who needs them. Yes, it says you the beggar need the other person more than they need you. Truly, we cannot make anyone to love us. We cannot force or beg anybody into loving us more than they do. If you have to beg him or her to be in your life, there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship. It is flawed and bound to crash. The other person has to want to, love to, should be dying to be with you, and if you have to beg for that, then it is not real, and it says you don’t even think you are worth it. If you see yourself as special, fun, exciting, happy, deserving of love, he or she should be dying to get a piece of you. And when they do, they should be dying for more and not looking at the exit door while you are on your knees begging for their love and attention.
I repeat, we cannot make anyone love us any more than they already do. It has to spring from within them. We cannot control the things that happen around us, outside us, or inside those we love, but we have the ultimate responsibility to maintain our self dignity. When a loved one chooses to leave for someone else, as hard and painful as it is, DO NOT BEG HIM/HER. It is your sole right to pull yourself together and make them see what they are just about to miss – the gem you are. With every ounce of strength and self-respect, be the one to humbly, yet boldly show them the door. Fight back the tears that may be raging within you, hold your chin up and say good bye to them. Lines like this would suffice – “I care about you, and love you very deeply, but you know, the choice is yours. I wish you well. Sooner than later, you’d come to realize that you are walking away from a real gem.” Or “ I wish I could make you see what I feel for you in my heart, but it does not matter if you don’t feel the same for me my dear. I will be fine, so I wish you all the best.” Or “It is pity my dear, but if you don’t love me that much, it is not worth it. In the end, I want to have in my life someone who truly values my worth. All the best in your love life.”
Displaying such courage and strength in the face of an impending jilt weaves a beautiful web of maturity around you. It crowns you with sophistication and immense self dignity – something no one can ever take away from you whether they love you or hate you! It says, “I know my worth. Leave me or stay with me, I am still worth it – big time.” To be loved by anyone else, we must first love ourselves in an unselfish way. Thoughts are like perfume. They say nothing per se, but their stench or aroma (depending on how you view yourself) shouts louder than words. The caveat here is to avoid arrogance. To carry one’s self with respect and self-worth is not the same as being a haughty, arrogant snub. It simply says you know thy self, and when you do, you handle the travails of love with adroit aplomb. It does not mean you feel no pains – of course you do (unless you are super human unlike most of us), but it simply means that you know that a bend in the road (when someone jilts you), is not the end of the road. It does not define your whole outlook on life forever; instead, it marks a whole new beginning, an opportunity to start something new and better with time.
The beauty of it all is that more often than not, when we display such maturity when jilted or about to be jilted, it completely transforms the thoughts of the other person. It makes them sit back and reconsider what they are about to do. It says you are okay with or without them. It takes power from them and places it in your palms (even though your heart is falling apart). It highlights your maturity, and that in itself is super-attractive. We cannot avoid the tears that come on the trail of a heart break, or the pains that stab mercilessly deep within, but no matter how bad it is, when we are faced with the one who has chosen to walk away from us, we must do so with courage and self dignity. Beg not. Walk bold and brave, they do not hold your life in their hands. Cry in your own little corner, but not in their face. You may think it tells them how much you love them when you cry (it does not matter though if they don’t feel the same for you), it simply shouts that you need them so much, and relationships are meant to be inter-dependent, where both individuals need and love each other; and not dependent where one is totally dependent on the other. If you maintain your self dignity, he or she is likely to come around again as they try all over to demystify your sophistication. They see a whole new person that exudes maturity, confidence and self worth, and they want a piece of her/him. There are cases where they will never come back, but that is okay because it tells you the relationship was never meant to be anyway – no relationship at all is way better than a half-baked, bland one that lacks passion, meaning and excitement.
No matter what you go through, love yourself first (without being selfish about it), and carry yourself with dignity and confidence. That is the root of a thriving loving relationship. If he or she chooses to end it, let your self worth and dignity shine through by showing them the door, with all humility and difficulty. If they do come back, do not fall right back into their arms even though you crave it like we crave oxygen. He/she has to earn it. They have to learn to stick it out when things are rough in a relationship, and not walk away when they want and walk right back in and expect you to be always there waiting for them. However you go about it, be humble. The road called ‘Love’ is littered with bumps and holes. Some are so deep they can knock you out, except that no matter how hard you fall, there is something within you that no one can ever control unless you let them – your self worth/dignity. Guard it as a soldier guards his post! In the end, it is your life-line to a fresh, healthy start.
Other stories by the same author.
Your comments bring out the beauty in our stories. Have your say in the comment box below. To share our story, click on the Facebook share button or on the twitter button.
Follow us twitter @lagosconvo
Copyright 2014 Lagos Convo.
Otherwise stated, all stories on www.lagosconvo.com are Intellectual Property of HMG STUDIOS LTD. No permission has been granted for the reproduction of our materials in part or whole on any platform, electronic or otherwise.
For permission and other related inquiries, send mail to [email protected]