I Watched the back of the man walking by, my heart in trembling palpitations, silently hoping it wasn’t him with those girls. First he dropped one off and picked another on his way out. Staring out of my apartment window, I hoped it wasn’t him but even I knew the fates were not in my favor that night, and I stood for the entire 30 minutes it took him to be done and leave her apartment.
Nothing ever prepares you for the pain and even as you think you’re strong enough to deal with it, you’re not.
I was already dressed and had my best fragrance on – you see, I don’t use these scents anyhow and when I do, it’s for someone important. This was the time he always called to say he was outside. Today wasn’t different. He was going to call. Right?
Not like I can’t deal with the sight of him with another person – actually I can’t, but please allow me to sound deep, headache is doing me.
The thing was, seeing him with another person will change a lot of things for me and take away all the respect I had for him. Even as he’s not my man “yet”, it still hurts and I hope somehow, that’s allowed.
But I already knew what to expect. Didn’t he say not to expect faithfulness from him? That his commitment level was zero. Zilch. Nada.
Is that why I tell myself it meant nothing and I can still keep him if I wanted? So why have I lost all taste in my mouth? And why have I not texted yemisi that I saw him? Maybe because I know what she’ll say – leave him.
I won’t tell her.
I will tell no one, bear my shame alone. I will pour myself into work, the deposition I have tomorrow. I feel sorry for the other side because I will win this matter, because that’s what I do. If I can’t keep a man, at least I can keep my job.
My feet is getting tired, the gatekeeper will soon shut the gate and he’s still In her apartment. My fixation is now on who she is and if she’s more interesting than me, but I can’t for the life of me remember who is in apartment 7.
I don’t like neighbors.
A woman’s life is not easy ra ra. First, you have to worry about the men in your life, then you worry about the women in their lives.
Can’t nobody find a sit your ass in one place, hold me down kind of guy out in these streets.
But I am not surprised because he told me what to expect and as she strolls leisurely to her flat after seeing him off to his car, a satisfied smirk on her face – I know it because it’s the look on mine every time he’d come to see me.
You see, he had that effect on people, he was like air.
Now, the problem with air is, life without it is death.
I pray it’s too dark to see her face. I don’t want the memory to haunt me, I don’t want to spend my days wondering why I don’t have longer legs like her, straighter nose, lighter skin.
No, I don’t want to wonder.
And even as I say I won’t look, I see.
She is prettier than me.