Stories about Kings and Kingdoms are made so regal they tend to seem inhuman. When I come across them, I wonder, do these royalties defecate at all or make stuffs as simple as mistakes? And even when they apparently have made mistakes, words like ‘royal oversight’ and ‘pardons’ are thrown about; as if that makes everything better…in my opinion, it doesn’t.
And you are at this moment wondering, who the hell is this with an opinion that seems to matter here?
I am the spirit of gossip, I am Gossip; I’m everywhere a story is because I’m spectral and can be anywhere I please at any time. This particular story is my utmost pleasure to relay; my chosen name is Kedei – it literally translates to love, I’m aware I’m not human enough to need a name but humor me.
Don’t worry, I know, I’ve noticed the irony of my name too. But it isn’t so wrong for me, even as seen by everyone to have such a lovely name, after all, I do love telling tales.
Let’s start this like any good old fairy tale…
Once upon a time, in this age anyway, 2016 precisely, two kingdoms existed – the Efik kingdom and the Atam kingdom.
Imagine these kingdoms as kingdoms with all the amenities expected in 2016. These kingdoms, were separated by at most, ten to twenty kilometers, which by personal car, is not considered a considerable distance…I diverse, forgive me.
The Efik kingdom was situated by the sea, and whether we believe it or not, in 2016, there were still deities and people that worshipped them; I even have my own followership but that’s not the story here, let’s continue.
The kingdom by the sea was prosperous and their women were plump and beautiful with skins almost smoother than a baby’s buttocks, at least the one that isn’t suffering from heat rash. I’m not sure I’m really good at story telling, gossip is my forte, and in that, my opinions always come to bare. In that light, I want to point out, that there isn’t such a kingdom that carries all beautiful women with smooth skins and adorable attitudes, those kinds of attributes can only be attainable in cartoons; and even in cartoons, there’s always that one bad egg.
In my opinion, some women were of course plump and beautiful, but also arrogant…these bitches behaved as though they were God’s gift to men; who does that? Anyway, arrogance as a feature in human character can be tamed with schooling and home training, so no problem there; try to ignore my outburst sometimes, I’m cousins with the spirit of jealousy and we are so close, I tend to display some of her qualities.
The King and Queen of Efik kingdom got together in carnal knowledge of themselves; you know what I mean, I don’t need to ply you with that information, and after several enjoyable tries, they made a daughter. And since she was born into royalty, wealth, silver spoon and golden cup, she took on an air of entitlement.
This girl was so arrogant I began feeling that she must have taken up the feature from like twenty other people; I worried that there were twenty people in the world left without any atom of pride or self esteem because the princess of Efik kingdom had it all and was using it effectively.
As a girl, she threw impressive temper tantrums that left everyone at the palace wrecked and in need of a sanctuary, so whatever she needed was given her for peace’s sake. And as she grew, she became worse but not in the tantrum kind of way, she regarded herself as a sophisticated royal lady, as such, she demanded things be done her way, no matter how ridiculously frivolous it seemed.
The only person she never seemed to press under her thumb was her fiancé, the prince of Ibibio kingdom who had an ego the size of Africa. He was the only person with the arrogance that surpassed that of the Efik princess; it is no wonder they clicked and agreed to marry. Both of them had grand hopes of becoming a power couple, ruling both kingdoms as they saw fit…I fear for that day, I hope it never comes.
As an only child, Princess Nkoyo had been pampered and she believed it was her privilege to be wasteful if she so desired; I have no idea what gave her this notion, but there you have it. At 25, like I mentioned before, she made everybody at the palace miserable with her outrageous demands, the King and Queen included.
Nkoyo’s normal day begins with a hired guitarist by her bed side, specifically instructed to strum the strings softly with the tune of Celine Dion’s New Day. At that sound, she wakes with a smile and stretches her muscles in slow motion…her parents, the monarchs of the kingdom don’t get this kind of treatment; I told you before, she’s a tyrant.
It is as simple as that, a tyrant. It was unfortunate that she discovered that the car washer had skills with the guitar. So, she instructed him to play for her waking pleasure every morning, without considering that nobody else would do the poor guys chores and of course, when he gets in trouble with the King for delaying his routine, because his car hasn’t been washed, the princess is there to make comments like:
“You can never trust the help these days.”
“So lazy, why do we even pay them, dad?”
“They have no concept of time.”
“It’s not his fault, his just an illiterate, he doesn’t understand how important your work is.”
It was a terrible time for the car washer but he couldn’t report the princess to the King. Anyway, back to her waking up routine, it is so ridiculous I don’t want to miss that part in this gist.
So, after her slow stretch and the song is at end, she then regally sits up in bed, slowly looking left and right at the line of palace workers waiting to carry out her demands. I kept thinking, Hakeem in Coming to America was way richer than her, what would she do if she ever gets that wealthy?
“Good morning, your highness,” the workers chorus, curtseying and rushing over to pull down her blanket. Soft house slippers, with feathers on them are solicitously arranged and someone tenderly grabs each of her foot to fit into the slipper…
You get the idea; Princess Nkoyo is a pampered, tyrannical bitch! That’s my opinion and you can tweet that.
I’m so angry right now, I don’t want to go into the details of her bath and dressing…one thing, she gets dressed by the maids. As in, she practically just stands there, deigning only to lift her limbs into the dress and then, she sashays regally to the dinning table where she expects another worker stand by her chair the whole time she’s eating.
“Why are you standing there; don’t you have chores to perform?” the Queen asked one of those days, having persevered the presence of the poor worker, who seemed to follow each spoon as it traversed space into the mouth.
Of course there was no reply, what could he say, that the princess wanted him there?
“Let him be, mother,” Nkoyo finally answered without lifting her regal head.
The Queen turned to her daughter and expected an explanation, while the King continued shoving his food into his mouth. The man didn’t have time for his daughter’s shenanigans this morning, he had a council meeting to attend.
“Well?” she prodded.
Nkoyo sighed rather exasperatingly, like her mother, the Queen, was a bothersome child.
“He is there because I might need something while eating, and he is to get it for me.”
“Something like what? And what’s wrong with your legs?” the Queen seemed incensed at this point.
“Mother, these things happen, you know and it is expected, after all, I am the princess. A privilege of birth no one can take from me. The worker should feel blessed to carter for my whims,” she replied succinctly.
Don’t be alarmed at this next line, as a spirit, a spectral being, I cannot only be at several places at once, but I can also relay thoughts.
The Queen shares a horrified stare with her husband and is thinking, as though communicating with the King, my love, we have created a monster; what are going to do?
The King also looks dismayed at his daughter’s explanation, he shakes his head at his wife’s stare and thinks, I don’t know what we’re going to do with her; we’ll talk when I get back.
I have to point out here that, even though their thoughts seem symmetrical, they can’t really communicate mentally, this is a coincidence that usually occurs between two people that have been married for a long time.
That said, the King sighs at this point and stands, he’s ready to leave for the meeting. His wife stands with him and hugs him, sending him off with loving murmurs which I’m not going to relay…but it is expected that the princess would also send her dad off with a warm goodbye, no, not Nkoyo.
“See you later, father,” she says and gives him a nod, as though she was the Queen and her father, the King, a lowly serve.
The king, of course returns his shocked gaze to his wife, indeed we’ve created a monster, he thought. And the wife’s mouth curves wryly with widened eyes that clearly stated, I told you so.
At the end of the day, when the palace shut down for the night and the king and queen were finally left alone in the sanctuary of their bedroom; they don’t talk about Nkoyo, because, there were other pressing matters affecting the kingdom.
Matters like the excess wealth, both in crop, jewels and money that needed to be managed.
“The chiefs all wanted the status quo, Affy, and I don’t know if I can change their minds,” he complained.
“But you changed mine, Asuquo,” the queen said, caressing her husband’s chest in a bid to relax his tense torso and also relay her love for him.
Asuquo, king of Efik kingdom looked down at his plump and wholesome wife, the look in her eyes immediately calmed his worry. And when she smiled at him, he lowered his head and other matters took place…you don’t need to know about this.
So, while Asuquo and Affy, their majesties, are getting their freak on, let me expatiate on the matters that worry the king. You see, as a land blessed abundantly, Efik has so much unmanaged, unknown and known wealth. The monies are known because there are certain allocations paid by the federal government to the kingdom; the wharf sends in its profits and gains are gotten from international relations…as a kingdom by the sea, with a wharf, trade routes opened to Efik kingdom.
More so, food stocks weren’t a problem, because they also traded with Atam kingdom, the leaders in farming and food produce.
The problem Asuquo was seeing was that these resources weren’t documented and therefore, one didn’t know if the influx was increasing or reducing and therefore, it would be difficult to detect oncoming recession or embezzlement. He did not have the luck of Joseph in the bible, but common sense paired with academic sense helped him have this epiphany of management.
The chiefs didn’t like it, of course they wouldn’t, people that loved lawlessness were people that progressed in such a state, which would mean that they were lawless people, ergo bad. The chiefs were amassing wealth for themselves and even in the midst of wealth, the masses suffered because appropriate channels to distribute this wealth evenly were not created.
And the king wanted to create this distribution channels because he was a fair king who hated lawlessness and cheating; he wanted everyone to have a fair share. But a question had sent him back into his shell…who was qualified enough to take up this herculean task?
I see that the king and queen are asleep with a blissful smile; I am tired myself, seeing as I’ve been talking the whole day. Let’s continue this gossip tomorrow, I so can’t wait.
INSIDE OUT continues
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